Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Why hello there
Wow, it’s been five whole months since I updated. This is for you people who have never stopped believing that I would eventually write something here again. Yes, all two of you.
I don’t write much because I simply haven’t had anything of interest happening within the past few months. Either that, or because I am lazy as hell, and I don’t actually enjoy writing anymore. I was actually invited to write for some rather comical website hosted by some of my acquaintances – but having noticed the rather bleak tone of my writing of late I decided that that would not be entirely fitting. Anyway, nothing particularly fancy has popped up in the past few months. I did attend the DT concert, which was, well, an experience. I wouldn’t exactly use the word fun, but it was an evening of unmatched virtuosity - I wouldn’t expect anything less. It was the first rock concert I have ever attended. A real mosh, and people taking drugs or something – not something I can claim to witness every other day. I also got body surfed against my will at some dinner and dance event, which was, similarly, a new experience for me.
The few things in my life that matter have not so much changed, as evolved over time. My applications for accommodation in Nottingham have been submitted. Basically, everything is prepared. I am ready to leave. My aunt is picking up winter clothing from me and sending it over. My accommodation is settled and so is my research regarding the campus life there. I have done whatever I can to ensure that I will be properly settled in and taken care of once I leave.
This is the last time I am applying for NUS law. I have come to terms with the fact that they do not think I am good enough for them. I will try again, of course – and this time I will actually prepare for it. I have actually applied so many times that I have managed to formulate certain interview formats. I have only one complaint – why do we adopt an admission system whereby we only: 1) look at results or 2) screw the applicants over, and see how they handle themselves from there? Why can we not follow the other top universities in the world, who treat their applicants with a larger amount of dignity? Is it so unbearable to pursue a system that actively questions the latent knowledge and thought process of a person, rather than tear them down and see how they react?
Ironic as it is, UK is my contingency plan. This time, the stakes are all real – no more ‘oh well I’ll try again next year’. It’s either there or here. There are a few role models to me in this aspect – people who have left their homes to pursue some goal or dream somewhere over the oceans. I now know why I respect them so much. I used to think that I respected them because they dared to dream, and that they dared to pursue that dream in spite of everyone else. I was wrong. I respect them because they have the wisdom and experience to tell them that what they are doing is right; that they are the people who are strong enough to break out from their figurative shackles, the ball and chain, and whatever inertia it is that people experience when they consider moving. These are the people who are strong enough to fight for what they believe in. So many of us believe, but so few of us ever have that resolve to do it.
It is probably just me that thinks this, but I think I share many commonalities with Dr. House from House M.D., less the whole genius part. I think I am sufficiently cynical, and possess the necessary distaste for the rest of the world. What do you think?
I am leaving the army soon. It has been a long and painful two and a half years, but I would be lying if I said that it did not have its benefits. The army is enjoyable in a sense. If you come here expecting to experience real and physical sensations of happiness, you will leave disappointed and empty. That is not what I mean by enjoyable – what I mean is that it is simply two whole years of nothingness. Pure, unadulterated nothingness. For two years you are kept in a self-contained bio-dome, peering out at the world, seeing the things that happen outside, but knowing that nothing you do inside here will ever affect the world outside. It is a real feeling you have to experience in order to understand. I hesitate to use the word ‘honeymoon’, but that is exactly what it is. Being transported to a faraway place where you can do whatever you want without a worry in the world. Unless, of course, you manage to get yourself charged. You learn and see things here, and they change you. You realize the nature of people, and you learn to use them as mirrors to view your own flaws. You will mellow out. Your tolerance will skyrocket. You will learn to feign diligence. Even a conservative person like me has learnt the fine art of nonchalance. It is imperative that you learn to not care – because no one will ever reciprocate such courtesy.
I have made the astute observation that the number of friends I have is inversely proportional to the amount of gadgetry I acquire. That is unfortunate as I happen to like gadgetry. I can’t decide whether that has something to do with my increasing general disdain for humanity as a whole, or the engulfing, inviting feeling of the media. Perhaps they are substitutes for one another. Anyway, I have learnt to embrace media as a whole. I guess it is only appropriate that as I spend less money on friends, I have more purchasing power for my gadgetry. It is almost a comforting feeling, and I can’t for the life of me explain why. I have actually reached a point where I carry less than half of my toys around simply because I am afraid of getting mugged.
I have recently purchased a PSP and new headphones. My ER-6i died on me. Anyway, I really hope they start making games for the PSP sometime soon, because last I heard, it was supposed to play games.
I go in for surgery next week. Seven days from today. Lots of people have asked me whether I am afraid, excited, etc. I always give the same reply: it’s going to happen anyway, so I am not going to will myself into feeling anything that I should be feeling. At the time of writing, I am still not feeling any particularly definitive emotion. My feelings are a maelstrom of vague fears, nervousness, and even anticipation. It is a major operation that is supposed to last some 4.5 hours. I hear some spinal operations take over 2 hours. I don’t know what to make of that. I am not going to elaborate on the nitty-gritty details of the operation, but it is sufficiently gruesome. Suffice to say I am somewhat numb to that after having been poked and prodded by multitudinous needles and wires over the past few months. I have seen so much blood being drawn from my body, but somehow it still terrifies me every time I see that crimson life leaving my body. I suppose it was fortunate that they chose to leave out these details before I started my special brace treatment. If I had to do this all again with the knowledge of what was to come on the way there, I would probably have second thoughts. I have been through too much to turn back. My lips are cracking, my mouth is afflicted with cuts and tears, and I have been playing host to several raging ulcers at every point of time in the past few months. I have suffered enough – and next week is what I have gone through all this for.
I don’t write much because I simply haven’t had anything of interest happening within the past few months. Either that, or because I am lazy as hell, and I don’t actually enjoy writing anymore. I was actually invited to write for some rather comical website hosted by some of my acquaintances – but having noticed the rather bleak tone of my writing of late I decided that that would not be entirely fitting. Anyway, nothing particularly fancy has popped up in the past few months. I did attend the DT concert, which was, well, an experience. I wouldn’t exactly use the word fun, but it was an evening of unmatched virtuosity - I wouldn’t expect anything less. It was the first rock concert I have ever attended. A real mosh, and people taking drugs or something – not something I can claim to witness every other day. I also got body surfed against my will at some dinner and dance event, which was, similarly, a new experience for me.
The few things in my life that matter have not so much changed, as evolved over time. My applications for accommodation in Nottingham have been submitted. Basically, everything is prepared. I am ready to leave. My aunt is picking up winter clothing from me and sending it over. My accommodation is settled and so is my research regarding the campus life there. I have done whatever I can to ensure that I will be properly settled in and taken care of once I leave.
This is the last time I am applying for NUS law. I have come to terms with the fact that they do not think I am good enough for them. I will try again, of course – and this time I will actually prepare for it. I have actually applied so many times that I have managed to formulate certain interview formats. I have only one complaint – why do we adopt an admission system whereby we only: 1) look at results or 2) screw the applicants over, and see how they handle themselves from there? Why can we not follow the other top universities in the world, who treat their applicants with a larger amount of dignity? Is it so unbearable to pursue a system that actively questions the latent knowledge and thought process of a person, rather than tear them down and see how they react?
Ironic as it is, UK is my contingency plan. This time, the stakes are all real – no more ‘oh well I’ll try again next year’. It’s either there or here. There are a few role models to me in this aspect – people who have left their homes to pursue some goal or dream somewhere over the oceans. I now know why I respect them so much. I used to think that I respected them because they dared to dream, and that they dared to pursue that dream in spite of everyone else. I was wrong. I respect them because they have the wisdom and experience to tell them that what they are doing is right; that they are the people who are strong enough to break out from their figurative shackles, the ball and chain, and whatever inertia it is that people experience when they consider moving. These are the people who are strong enough to fight for what they believe in. So many of us believe, but so few of us ever have that resolve to do it.
It is probably just me that thinks this, but I think I share many commonalities with Dr. House from House M.D., less the whole genius part. I think I am sufficiently cynical, and possess the necessary distaste for the rest of the world. What do you think?
I am leaving the army soon. It has been a long and painful two and a half years, but I would be lying if I said that it did not have its benefits. The army is enjoyable in a sense. If you come here expecting to experience real and physical sensations of happiness, you will leave disappointed and empty. That is not what I mean by enjoyable – what I mean is that it is simply two whole years of nothingness. Pure, unadulterated nothingness. For two years you are kept in a self-contained bio-dome, peering out at the world, seeing the things that happen outside, but knowing that nothing you do inside here will ever affect the world outside. It is a real feeling you have to experience in order to understand. I hesitate to use the word ‘honeymoon’, but that is exactly what it is. Being transported to a faraway place where you can do whatever you want without a worry in the world. Unless, of course, you manage to get yourself charged. You learn and see things here, and they change you. You realize the nature of people, and you learn to use them as mirrors to view your own flaws. You will mellow out. Your tolerance will skyrocket. You will learn to feign diligence. Even a conservative person like me has learnt the fine art of nonchalance. It is imperative that you learn to not care – because no one will ever reciprocate such courtesy.
I have made the astute observation that the number of friends I have is inversely proportional to the amount of gadgetry I acquire. That is unfortunate as I happen to like gadgetry. I can’t decide whether that has something to do with my increasing general disdain for humanity as a whole, or the engulfing, inviting feeling of the media. Perhaps they are substitutes for one another. Anyway, I have learnt to embrace media as a whole. I guess it is only appropriate that as I spend less money on friends, I have more purchasing power for my gadgetry. It is almost a comforting feeling, and I can’t for the life of me explain why. I have actually reached a point where I carry less than half of my toys around simply because I am afraid of getting mugged.
I have recently purchased a PSP and new headphones. My ER-6i died on me. Anyway, I really hope they start making games for the PSP sometime soon, because last I heard, it was supposed to play games.
I go in for surgery next week. Seven days from today. Lots of people have asked me whether I am afraid, excited, etc. I always give the same reply: it’s going to happen anyway, so I am not going to will myself into feeling anything that I should be feeling. At the time of writing, I am still not feeling any particularly definitive emotion. My feelings are a maelstrom of vague fears, nervousness, and even anticipation. It is a major operation that is supposed to last some 4.5 hours. I hear some spinal operations take over 2 hours. I don’t know what to make of that. I am not going to elaborate on the nitty-gritty details of the operation, but it is sufficiently gruesome. Suffice to say I am somewhat numb to that after having been poked and prodded by multitudinous needles and wires over the past few months. I have seen so much blood being drawn from my body, but somehow it still terrifies me every time I see that crimson life leaving my body. I suppose it was fortunate that they chose to leave out these details before I started my special brace treatment. If I had to do this all again with the knowledge of what was to come on the way there, I would probably have second thoughts. I have been through too much to turn back. My lips are cracking, my mouth is afflicted with cuts and tears, and I have been playing host to several raging ulcers at every point of time in the past few months. I have suffered enough – and next week is what I have gone through all this for.
# posted by Paranoia Incarnate @ 5:57 AM 
