Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Imitation of Life
I’ve just replied to UCASTrack, the UK universities application board. So it’s finalized – I will be going to the University of Nottingham, unless NUS suddenly decides that it does not want to screw me over. Unlikely. So, UK it is. I will admit that I am afraid now. It’s all too real – while national service is screwed up, it does seem like a point of time in your life where nothing really matters, where nothing you do has a direct effect on the rest of your life. But now that I’ve just been promoted to a full corporal, I’ve reached the final leg of this phase of my life. It can’t end soon enough. But, it eventually will. And the knowledge that I will be out of here, at the doorway of a new life, within a short year, terrifies me to no end. It really does. I feel an amount of fear that I cannot possibly express.
It is a feeling of apprehension. I know that going to the UK to practice law will strengthen me and push me in more ways than any local education ever will. The fact that Nottingham is the fourth best university in UK, behind Oxford, Cambridge and Durham, to study law is firm affirmation of the quality of the education I will be receiving. I will not deny that, and I have no fear of that. I am one of the luckiest foreign students out there as well – a student without a scholarship bond. I am totally free.
What I am afraid of, however, is myself. Of who I am. Anybody who knows me well will tell you that I am fiercely opinionated. I am ruthless in venting my frustrations, and extreme in my expression, to the point where I always get into trouble or annoy people due to my tactlessness. But they will also tell you that I am a coward. I am always a safe person, I don’t take risks, I don’t go to clubs, I don’t drink, I always cross at a traffic light if I can. I call my parents all the time to let them know where I am, and I hardly venture out of my house unless absolutely necessary. I am not adventurous. In fact, you could argue that I’m a bloody coward in most respects of my life. I have no self-confidence either. I can’t cook for nuts. I am not independent – I can’t survive on my own. And being so far away from home, from all my friends, from the comforts of my room – the thought of all that terrifies me. This is not Australia. There is a psychological apprehension here – this is the UK, and it’s half a world away. You almost couldn’t go anywhere further before you’d start heading back here. This is not like going to RJC on the first day of school – ‘oh damn, I don’t know anyone here, I’m afraid – well at least my house is just across the road, so I can go back and hide anytime I want!’ Putting a person like me into a scene like that, well, is a foreboding thought. Understatement. It’s a terrifying thought.
Plans are underway – things to bring, things I must know, things I must learn, accommodation. Plans are being made as we speak. Plans to tour the UK before I begin my studies. Arrangements for my family to stay with me the first few weeks until I settle down. I probably won’t be getting my car soon. I was so looking forwards to that. But I have to be economically sensitive. My family isn’t rich. A foreign education isn’t cheap. So many things to think of, so much to be done. And the issue of time is gradually becoming a factor. It will pass.
SAF day is simply the worst experience in my life, next to BMT. You will never understand the pain of standing still under a scorching sun for 10 hours a day. I am not joking. You might think that is impossible. If so, then you’re probably still in JC and have not yet experienced the army. Or you are a female. Or both. Whatever. The only consolation is that I get to meet up with some of my closest friends like Zhihan and Lionel, who are there, suffering with me, every single moment. I respect that. We always have a lot to talk about during breaks. It’s good to see each other again, albeit under unfavorable circumstances.
Just thought I’d talk about one of my hobbies for once. I know, I often hound my friends to death when I’m with them – but I never really talk about it here. So I thought I would, just for the fun of it. Not so much the content exactly, but the more social aspect of the game.
Just for background information – I have spent over 1200 hours in World of Warcraft. I know, you think I’m a loser. I will not deny that. But hear me out, so that you understand the basis of your accusation. Then revise, reflect, and if you still think this way, I will respect that.
I have not been playing many games the past 8 months. I have a reputation for being an obsessive know-all when it comes to games, but lately that has changed, as I no longer play anything other than WoW. It is an obsession, not unlike IRC. Something you can’t explain. WoW is an MMORPG – a massively multiplayer online role-playing game. I pay SGD25 a month to keep my subscription up. I play with several million people in a world that is consistently running every minute of the day. It is a virtual world where I meet people from all walks of life, mostly parts of America, Australia, sometimes Korea or Taiwan. And of course, Singapore. You learn so much about other peoples’ cultures. You learn about what they think of us, exactly. Your experience widens so much. You learn that there are people out there so brilliant and appreciative of good humour, somewhat of a rarity here. People who can make you laugh, and laugh with you.
It is a social game. You can literally sit down with a group of people at a beautiful ornate oak table in a detailed virtual inn and just talk. About anything. Life, the universe, everything. I am in the top guild in my server. By that, I mean that I am amongst the top hundred players amidst a server of maybe 15000-20000 players. We go on guild raids and coordinated events that require discipline, patience, and above all, dedication. We know each other like brothers. Such a guild can only fuction through utmost trust. We know about each others’ real lives, the events going on. When something sad happens, we send flowers or stuff like that, across oceans, across continents. It is all real. It is not a game where you think about killing monsters, you do it, and you log off. Everything you do or say matters. There is a real economy, real politics. There is reputation. People have been shunned into obscurity because of the bad name they give themselves. For all intents and purposes, this game emulates real life. I challenge you to try it out for a week and to tell me that you have not felt any of this at all.
It is not a game that only guys play. My organization consists of females who form around twenty percent of the populace. Females who are like-minded and open-minded enough to see through the veil of such stigmas. My guild itself has at least 5 couples, of whom are actually married in real life, and many more dating couples. People who often have to log off because they have to take care of their children, or have to pick up their kids from school, or things like that. There is a familial aspect that is incredibly real. There is a history behind us that runs back to the days of everquest. That is around 6-8 years of history. It is true, to some extent, that I do not even know some of my real life friends as well as these people.
I have made friends here I can never forget. I have met real celebrities here, as well. People I talk to all the time. Literally. We use a voice-chat protocol named Ventrilo that allows us to talk over a microphone and organize ourselves. We joke all the time, make fun of each other, sling lude or racist jokes. I nearly busted a gut laughing when I heard Razael sing ‘Staying Alive’ by the Beegees in his falsetto tone. I was honestly in tears. Many of us were. Hearing Dai’s story about how his fiancée left him because he became so obsessed with the game was real as well. How people have to leave because of family problems, about their financial crises, the sacrifices they have to make. Moments like that are so powerful that they can change you, and teach you lessons about life.
It isn’t as simple as being ‘just a game’. You make commitments and ties here that are sometimes frightening in their power. Yet, strangely compelling, and in some ways, beautiful in their elegance. Games have evolved since ten years ago. It has become a pop icon, it has become complex, it has become lucrative. But most of all – it has become an emulation of life. And that’s something to think about. So if you want to shun and look down on us, I do not blame you. There is nothing physical to gain out of playing games. It is not a sport either. It us unhealthy. It is pointless. I can see where you’re coming from. But I hope you can see where I’m coming from, as well. Then your claims, if you still decide to make them, will be valid.
If you’re still interested, you can browse my guild website on the left table of links. It is regularly updated, and most interesting, I can assure you.
Paranoia out.
Nadia Aamer: thank you! that is some amount of flattery I do not deserve. i am not a good writer by any account. you are one of the few who have such an opinion of me :) be glad, however, that you do not have the misfortune of knowing me in real life!
Wy: probably july/august next year :) the immediacy is so frightening!
mingwei: haha thanks man. you zai lah, PROSPECTIVE NUS-EDUCATED LAWYER. they wouldn't even give me a chance. haha see you in camp... hopefully not during guard duty again!
